Every time I go to work, I find something new and odd within my boss’ loft. Here’s the latest:

Yes, that is a box entirely filled with discarded ketchup packets from years of my boss ordering the same meal every day. You’d think he would have thought to ask for “no ketchup” at some point… Or thrown out ANY of the old packets. But maybe he had a good reason not to. Like making it onto this epically funny and well-known/loved blog.

Congratulations, sir. You did it.

Kristina: “Rambunctious seven year-olds like bells.”

Alex: “Yeah, bells and meth.”

“I need a relationship slave.

…

Er, I mean girlfriend.”

-Jon

“It all makes so much sense. Obama’s a Secret Muslim Catholic Gay Jew.”

-Noah

“Touch of Sun” or “Self-Tanning” moisturizers sometimes turn your face orange.

…This is one observation I personally lived through a few years ago.

While watching the trailer for Transformers 2:

Me: “Who does the voice for Optimus Prime?”

Noah: “I dunno. Voictimus Suck?

…

These things just come to me!”

“You realize we’re ruining a perfectly innocent, creepy, Elf-boy’s reputation.”

-Jon Callan

So I was talking to my friend the other day about how boring our e-mail addresses are. I’m not sure if you, dear readers, agree, but as a young adult, I feel like all email addresses have become the same:

[first name][last name]@[gmail or msn].com

Super dull, right? Right.

But do you remember the good ole pre-teen days when you made your first e-mail address and it included whatever letters and numbers you damn well pleased, no matter how nonsensical they were? I began to miss that era.

Disappointed and vaguely depressed that I succumbed to the social pressures of having a normal and somewhat professional e-mail address for things like “job applications” (whatever), I decided to eat a tube of cookie dough and mosey on down memory lane. In this magical land, I made a discovery:

There are two kinds of pre/early teen e-mail addresses. 1) The emo “I’m too mature for my own good. I mean, look, I’m artsy and cynical already,” ones and 2) the “If I misspell words and put my birthdate at the end, that makes me cool, right?” ones.

It. Is. GLORIOUS.

So here are some real life examples of old e-mail addresses my friends shared with me:

CATEGORY 1:

tearsofwisdom@aol.com (Remember back in the day when aol was the forefront of technology and oh so cool? Also, I wonder how many wise tears were shed before this address was picked.)

rainbowsfade@yahoo.com (It’s almost poetic…almost.)

bornonajourney@comcast.net (This was actually created with the intention of sounding pretentious. Could you have guessed?)

CATEGORY 2:

moviegurl413@hotmail.com (This may or may not have been my own personal e-mail address, but “gurl” was definitely spelled with a “u”.)

gategrrl88@aol.com (In reference to getting into the middle school “Gifted And Talented Education” aka “GATE” program…a surefire shot to popularity right here.)

flameboy612@earthlink.com (Yes, this really existed. Life just got that much better.)

superfly2714@earthlink.com (This was actually made as a “less lame” replacement for the previous e-mail address… Success?)

My quality of life dramatically increased from learning of these epic e-mail addresses. It can only get better if you comment with lame old ones of your very own.

“Royal Berry Punch” is the worst Starburst flavor EVER.

In reference to a humorous relative:

Mom: “But she sends me jokes all the time!”

Noah: “Yeah, but her jokes are like ‘What did the Republican do to the Democrat who walked into his gun shop?

…

He shot him.’”