This week, while watching the new film Valkyrie I realized something: the only way historical dramas retain any tension is within the audience members as they continually convince themselves that they cannot change the past.

First of all, Valkyrie represents the third historical film I’ve seen recently that has been completely predictable and entirely depressing (the other two were The Alamo and Recount). I don’t know if they ran out of happy stories to tell (the last one being Miracle) or this is some new form of torture, but I had a permanent cringe on my face the entire two hours I spent viewing the film.

That’s not to say that it wasn’t a good film. But I challenge you to name one person (with a soul) to go see that movie and not think, “Gee, can Hitler just DIE this time?!?” Instead, the entire movie was a countdown to the execution of every British actor I like (minus Alan Rickman, but only because he wasn’t in the film) and also Tom Cruise.

The saddest part (of any depressing historical flick, really) was that they thought they won for a while there. The rebels thought Hitler was dead! ***SPOILER ALERT: He wasn’t.*** And worse, they got (the stupider) half of me believing it too, leading to an inner struggle of epic proportions. Long story less long, after the conclusion of the film, I left the theater thoroughly dejected… and apparently in need of a blog vent.

My advice? If you don’t like the way history turned out in the textbooks, maybe don’t see it more heart-wrenchingly on films°°°. That’s what I’m planning to do anyway.

°°°Note: Advice not applicable to masochists.