So yesterday my sister, brother, and brother’s girlfriend all went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. Along with some leftovers, they returned with a tale of woe about their fortune cookies. I thought I’d relate the story to you and give my take on it.

First of all, has anyone noticed that fortune cookies have pretty much stopped trying these days? I remember a time when I used to get excited for my fortune and heed its words. Most fortune cookies nowadays don’t even give fortunes at all. They say things like “You have a magnetic personality” or “Laughter leads to a longer life.” Observations or opinions? Sure. But these are no fortunes.

(Honest to god, one time my brother got a fortune that said “What makes an apple fall?” He replied “Gravity, now where’s my F—ING fortune?”)

And even when the rare actual prediction of life comes your way it is usually so off base, that it becomes either funny or annoying. In my family’s case, it became both. I wasn’t there at the time, but from what I’ve been told, this is how I imagine it went down:

MaryBeth: I must daintily head off to the ladies room!

::daintily heads off to the ladies room::

Maeve: Ooh! Fortune cookies! I’ll take this one–

Noah: Nope! MINE!

::Noah snatches cookie with extreme prejudice::

Maeve: Fine. Whatever.

::Maeve takes one of the remaining cookies as passive aggressively as possible::

Noah: So what does yours say?

Maeve: “Life is full of little decisions- like white or brown rice.” 

Noah: Wow that’s lame.

Maeve: Has anyone noticed that fortune cookies have pretty much stopped trying these days? I remember a time when I used to get excited for my fortune and heed its words. Most fortune cookies nowadays don’t even give fortunes at all!

Noah: I know! They say things like “You have a magnetic personality” or “Laughter leads to a longer life.” Observations or opinions? Sure. But these are no fortunes.

Maeve: Wise words, Noah. Wise words…so what does yours say then?

Noah: “Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all -”

Maeve: That’s not what it says.

Noah: Fine. “A passionate new romance will appear in your life when you least expect it.”

::MaryBeth arrives as Noah says this::

MaryBeth: WHAT THE–

::boring couple argument ensues::

Noah: …just put the gun down and take the last cookie!

MaryBeth: Fine. Whatever.

::Takes the remaining cookie as passive aggressively as possible::

Maeve: So what does it say?????

MaryBeth: “Life is full of little decisions- like white or brown rice.”

All: I hate fortune cookies.

The End.