Sometimes life proves to you unequivocally that things happen for a reason. Such was the case two nights ago, when my  brother and I were decorating the tree.

In my family, the age-old tradition of decorating of our tree deteriorated about five years ago when we forgot to buy one and instead used this scary three-foot silver plastic tree that had been discarded into our basement of doom years before. When the next year proved a dangerously similar situation, I finally convinced my mom to buy a fake tree (3 days before Christmas) as a simplification. Since I went to college and seem to be the only one that cares at all about tree decoration, the yearly trek to the basement in search of tree, lights, and ornaments turned into a chore my mother performed with much resignation. This year, it was apparently a task she could not bear to complete.

I arrived home after an exhausting semester to find a blank tree, naked without decorations. After a substantial amount of time (3 hours) I couldn’t take it any longer and forced my brother to string lights and place ornaments with me. However, after doing a beautiful job with the lights, tragedy struck: five out of the seven strands didn’t work. This is when annoyance and laziness set in. Instead of decorating the tree nicely, we clumped the lights together, jammed the angel in the center, and put a hat  on the top. Surprisingly, the family backed our decision and the tree only got crazier, because, as i justified, “Jesus wouldn’t care.”

None of this, however, is pertinent besides the fact that it led to a discovery of epic proportions. While rifling through a box of decorations (looking for the ugliest ones) I came across a knit stocking I did not recall (Pictured next to my head and the upside down bra). Curiously, it was not empty. I searched inside and was rewarded with a series of gag gifts my mother had accrued in a yankee swap ten years before. Along with fart juice, penis lipstick, and a can topper that looked like a boob was included a sticky rubber penis.

As my astonishment quickly faded into amusement, I did what any normal person would do: shouted “think fast!” at my brother and chucked the penis at his head. After noting how grossed out my sister was, my brother and I began playing a game of catch with the penis (to make her more uncomfortable, cause we’re good people). Luckily Noah sucks at throwing and ended up pelting the wall with the tricky dick. Then, brilliance occurred. The penis stuck. There we were, surrounded by all things Christmas… and a sticky dick and balls on the wall.

I grabbed a camera and struggled to turn it on and capture the moment before the bond between wall and penis broke. I snapped a photo, the dick dropped, and fate, yes fate, stepped in. The camera was on record mode.

This was when I knew there was something more out there. No WAY could the genius I captured be the result of coincidence. There is a design much bigger than you and I. A design only apparent through three second videos of sticky penises falling off walls.

But just telling you (longwindedly) won’t do it, I know. I, instead, leave it to you to watch and decide for yourself. You will soon be a believer.

BAM! There it is, folks. You’re welcome.